Anxious + Avoidant Attachment: Why One Chases and One Shuts Down
If you’ve ever felt like you’re in the same relationship fight on repeat, you’re not alone.
One person wants to talk, fix it, and feel close right now.
The other person shuts down, withdraws, gets quiet, or needs space.
This is one of the most common relationship patterns—and it often shows up as what people call:
Anxious attachment + avoidant attachment.
In couples therapy, this is also known as the pursuer–distancer cycle.
And the good news is: it’s not a sign your relationship is doomed.
It’s usually a sign that two nervous systems are trying to protect themselves in opposite ways.
What anxious + avoidant attachment looks like in real life:
This dynamic often sounds like:
The Anxious Partner:
“Why are you pulling away?”
“Can we just talk about it?”
“Do you even care?”
“I feel like I’m alone in this relationship.”
The Avoidant Partner:
“I can’t do this right now.”
“You’re making it worse.”
“I need space.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Every conversation turns into a fight.”
One partner moves toward the relationship when stressed.
The other moves away.
Why this happens (it’s not about who is “wrong”):
A lot of couples get stuck thinking:
“If you would just communicate, we’d be fine.”
or“If you would stop pushing, we’d be fine.”
But anxious–avoidant dynamics are rarely fixed by trying harder.
They’re usually healed by understanding what’s underneath:
1. attachment needs
2. nervous system protection
3. emotional safety
The anxious partner isn’t “too much”
The anxious partner often gets labeled as:
needy
intense
emotional
controlling
But beneath the surface, the anxious partner is often experiencing:
fear of disconnection
fear of abandonment
uncertainty
longing to feel chosen and safe
Their nervous system is saying:
“Move closer. Fix it. Get reassurance.”
When they don’t get connection, their body goes into alarm.
The avoidant partner isn’t “too cold”
The avoidant partner often gets labeled as:
shut down
uncaring
emotionally unavailable
distant
But beneath the surface, the avoidant partner is often experiencing:
overwhelm
fear of conflict
fear of failing
pressure and emotional flooding
not knowing how to respond “the right way”
Their nervous system is saying:
“Back away. Protect yourself. Stay calm.”
Avoidant partners often do care—they just feel unsafe when emotions get intense.
The cycle (how it keeps repeating):
Here’s how the anxious–avoidant loop usually plays out:
Something creates distance (tone, stress, lack of time, misunderstanding)
The anxious partner feels disconnection and reaches for closeness
The avoidant partner feels pressure and pulls away
The anxious partner escalates (more questions, more emotion, more urgency)
The avoidant partner shuts down further
Both feel misunderstood and alone
The relationship becomes the trigger instead of the safe place
Over time, it can start to feel like:
“I’m always chasing you.”
“Nothing I do is enough.”
“You don’t care.”
“I can’t breathe around you.”
“We’re not a team.”
What each partner is really asking for:
Here’s the reframe that changes everything:
What the anxious partner is really asking:
“Are we okay?”
“Do you still want me?”
“Am I safe with you?”
What the avoidant parter is really asking:
“Can I have space without losing you?”
“Can we do this without conflict?”
“Can I be accepted even when I’m overwhelmed?”
They’re both asking for safety.
They’re just speaking different nervous system languages.
How to break the anxious-avoidant cycle:
The goal is not to “win” the argument.
The goal is to slow the pattern down and rebuild safety.
Here are a few shifts that help immediately:
1. Name the pattern (not the person)
Instead of: “You always shut down.”
Try: “I think we’re in our cycle again.”
This reduces blame and helps you get back on the same team.
2. The avoidant partner practices staying present in small ways
Avoidant partners often need space—but the anxious partner needs reassurance that space isn’t abandonment.
A helpful script is:
“I’m overwhelmed. I’m not leaving. I need a short break and I will come back.”
Even 10–20 minutes of planned space can reduce the intensity.
3. The anxious partner practices asking for connection without urgency
Anxious partners are allowed to want closeness.
But urgency often triggers shutdown in the avoidant partner.
Try:
“I’m feeling disconnected and I’d really love reassurance. Can we talk tonight?”
You’re still asking for connection—just with steadier energy.
4. Build a “repair plan” ahead of time
When couples plan repair before conflict, things change fast.
Decide together:
how long breaks will be
what “coming back” looks like
what phrases help
what escalates things
what each person needs to feel safe
A powerful agreement is simply:
“We always come back.”
A simple script for a healthier fight:
Anxious partner:
“I’m feeling anxious and disconnected. I’m not trying to attack you—I want closeness.”
Avoidant partner:
“I care. I’m getting overwhelmed and I need a pause. I’m going to regulate and come back so we can talk.”
This is what secure connection looks like in real life:
- honesty
- boundaries
- repair
- staying on the same team
If you’re in this dynamic, it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken:
It usually means both people have nervous systems that learned protection differently.
With support, most couples can learn to:
fight less intensely
reconnect faster
communicate more safely
stop triggering each other’s survival responses
build real emotional security
How therapy can help:
Therapy can help you:
understand your attachment patterns
reduce blame and defensiveness
learn conflict repair (not just communication tips)
rebuild safety and connection
feel close again without chasing or shutting down
If you’re stuck in this cycle and it’s wearing you down, you don’t have to do it alone.
At Carbon Psychology, we support individuals and couples in Calgary with grounded, attachment-informed therapy. Book a free consult or get matched with a therapist.
Quick FAQs
Can two people be both anxious and avoidant?
Yes. Many people are a mix, or shift depending on the relationship and the moment.
Does avoidant mean they don’t care?
Not at all. Avoidant patterns often come from overwhelm and protection—not a lack of love.
Is this fixable?
Yes. The cycle can change dramatically when couples learn regulation, boundaries, and repair skills.