How to Deepen Relationships (Without Losing Yourself)
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”
— Esther Perel
One of my deepest regrets comes from reflecting on how I have treated people over the years.
I wasn’t always very kind. I took for granted others’ love, time, and energy. At the core, I’ve always cared deeply about people… but I was selfish, unaware, and often didn’t understand the impact my actions were having.
When I lost my father, I was forced to face a reality many of us avoid:
life can end at any moment — and often, it’s too soon.
I have said it before, and I will continue saying it: losing my father was the most difficult experience of my life… but it has also been my greatest blessing. Death has a way of putting into perspective the things that truly matter — the things we can go through an entire lifetime and completely miss.
And one of those things is this:
Relationships are everything.
The most successful people on the planet got to where they are because of the connections they made and the relationships they invested in.
And the happiest people on the planet have a community of supportive, loving individuals around them — with whom they can both give and receive love.
Over the last eight years, I’ve dedicated myself to being kinder, more loving, and more grateful for the people who have come in and out of my life.
Here are six things I’ve learned that have helped me deepen relationships and build lasting connection.
1. Smile, make eye contact, and be genuine
This sounds simple… but it matters more than most people realize.
Especially when you’re trying to connect with someone new — whether it’s a first date, a new friend, or even a networking event.
Smiling is attractive physically, emotionally, and energetically.
Eye contact creates safety and signals presence.
Genuineness is felt.
Be mindful of your energy:
Does your presence feel calm and confident?
Or do you feel like you’re performing?
When you’re trying too hard to please people, you often don’t come across as genuine.
Be kind and be you.
That will carry you further than performance ever will.
2. Pay close attention
Move out of your head and into your heart.
Stop thinking about what to say next.
Stop rehearsing.
Just be present.
Non-verbal communication is often richer than spoken language. Pay attention to body language. Notice tone. Notice pacing. Listen to what someone is saying… even when they aren’t directly saying it.
When you want to deepen a relationship, ask yourself:
What really matters to this person?
What lights them up?
What do they feel proud of?
What do they struggle with?
What are they longing for?
Reflect what you hear. Get curious. Ask meaningful questions. Look for ways to support what matters to them.
People feel deeply connected when they feel seen.
3. Communicate consciously
Your words have weight.
Your tone has weight.
Your timing has weight.
Conscious communication means:
knowing your worth
speaking your truth
and doing it with compassion
It also means giving others space to be who they are and share their version of truth as well.
A huge part of deepening relationships is learning to become comfortable with vulnerability.
This is scary. It can be hard as hell.
But I can say with certainty: it is worth it.
Vulnerability is often the doorway to real depth.
4. Reflect deeply about yourself
Deep relationships require self-awareness.
Spend time connecting with yourself and becoming a master of your emotions.
Ask yourself:
Am I attached to specific outcomes?
Am I holding expectations that I haven’t communicated?
What are my insecurities and patterns?
What do I do when I feel uncertain or triggered?
Am I projecting old pain onto the present moment?
You don’t have to become perfect.
But you do have to become honest.
There are endless tools to help you understand yourself more deeply, including:
attachment style
love languages
personality frameworks
nervous system patterns
You just have to find the ones that resonate for you.
Also — pay attention to what you feel in conversations. Your emotions are valuable information. They can guide you toward deeper questions… and help you discern who you want to invest more of your energy into.
5. Actively love
One of my favourite quotes is:
“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
— Maya Angelou
Active love looks like:
building people up
being kind consistently
offering support
giving compliments
making time
speaking appreciation out loud
showing someone why you value them
Love isn’t just a feeling.
It’s a practice.
6. Show your appreciation
People don’t owe you anything.
Even if you don’t get what you want from someone, appreciation still matters. Gratitude softens relationships. It also relieves the pressure of people unknowingly failing to meet expectations.
Train yourself to notice:
the little things
the small efforts
the subtle ways someone shows they care
When you live from appreciation, you’ll be disappointed less often — and connected more deeply.
Some simple ways to show appreciation:
write a thank you card
send a meaningful text
call someone just to tell them you value them
take someone for lunch
offer support in return
Sometimes the simplest gestures leave the biggest impact.
Final thought
Deep relationships don’t happen by accident.
They’re built through presence.
Through courage.
Through communication.
Through repair.
Through gratitude.
Through choosing love on purpose.
With love,
Katrina Shaw
Quick FAQs
How do I deepen a relationship without losing myself?
Depth comes from vulnerability + honesty, but it also requires boundaries and self-respect. You can be loving and grounded.
Why do relationships feel hard even when there’s love?
Because love doesn’t remove nervous system patterns, attachment wounds, or communication habits. Those can be healed with awareness and practice.
Can therapy help me build healthier relationships?
Yes. Therapy can help you understand your patterns, improve communication, and build relationships that feel more secure and connected.