What Is Nervous System Dysregulation? (Why You Can’t “Just Calm Down”)
Have you ever been told:
“Just relax.”
“You’re overthinking.”
“Calm down.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
…and you wanted to scream because you literally couldn’t?
If so, you’re not alone.
For many people, stress and anxiety aren’t just thoughts.
They’re physical states.
And sometimes the reason you can’t calm down is simple:
your nervous system is dysregulated.
What does “nervous system dysregulation” mean?
Your nervous system is your body’s internal safety system.
It constantly scans for:
danger
connection
threat
safety
predictability
When it senses threat (even emotional threat), it activates your stress response.
Nervous system dysregulation happens when your body gets stuck in:
too activated (anxiety, panic, agitation)
ortoo shut down (numbness, collapse, disconnection)
Even when nothing is “technically wrong” in the moment.
It can feel like your body is reacting to life as if it’s an emergency…
even when your mind knows it isn’t.
Dysregulation isn’t weakness — it’s protection:
Dysregulation doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It often means your nervous system has been working overtime.
This can happen after:
chronic stress
long periods of pressure
burnout
major life changes
grief or loss
trauma (big or small)
high responsibility (caregiving, leadership, parenting)
relationship instability
living in “go mode” for years
Your nervous system isn’t trying to ruin your life.
It’s trying to protect you.
It just might not know how to “turn off” anymore.
Common signs of nervous system dysregulation:
Dysregulation can look different for different people.
Here are some common signs:
When you’re activated (fight/flight energy)
racing thoughts
anxiety, panic, dread
irritability or anger
restlessness
trouble sleeping
tight chest / fast heart rate
digestive issues
feeling “wired but tired”
constant overthinking
needing control or certainty
When you’re shut down (freeze/collapse energy)
numbness or disconnection
brain fog
low motivation
feeling emotionally flat
wanting to isolate
exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix
zoning out / scrolling for hours
“I don’t care” feeling (even when you do)
feeling distant from your body
Some people cycle between both:
activated → crash → activated → crash.
This is incredibly common in high-functioning people.
Why you can’t “think” your way into calm:
This is one of the biggest misunderstandings about anxiety.
When your nervous system is activated, your body is in survival mode.
That means:
logic gets harder
focus gets harder
emotional regulation gets harder
communication gets harder
Your brain prioritizes safety — not insight.
So even if you tell yourself:
“I’m fine.”
“I’m safe.”
“Stop overreacting.”
Your body might still respond like:
“Nope. We’re not safe yet.”
This is why regulation tools must work with the body — not against it.
What regulation actually means:
Regulation doesn’t mean you never feel stressed.
It means you can move through stress and return to baseline.
Regulation looks like:
feeling emotions without becoming flooded
responding instead of reacting
being able to rest
staying connected during conflict
feeling present in your life
having access to calm again
What helps a dysregulated nervous system?
There isn’t one perfect tool.
But there are a few principles that work consistently.
1. Small changes are more powerful than big ones
Your nervous system learns through repetition, not intensity.
5 minutes of grounding daily > one big “reset” once a month.
2. Regulate first, then reflect
If you’re activated, your job is not to figure out your whole life.
Your job is to come back into your body.
Then clarity will follow.
3. Safety is the medicine
Nervous system healing often looks like:
softer pace
consistency
support
boundaries
rest without guilt
relationships that feel safe
learning to say no
time outside
less rushing
fewer “shoulds”
Safety isn’t laziness.
It’s repair.
A simple “in the moment” regulation practice:
If you feel activated right now, try this:
Put one hand on your chest
One hand on your belly
Inhale slowly through your nose
Exhale longer than you inhale
Look around the room and name 3 neutral things you can see
Say to yourself:
“In this moment, I am safe enough.”
You’re not trying to force calm.
You’re teaching your body that it can soften.
Why dysregulation shows up in high-functioning people:
Many high-functioning people learned to survive by:
pushing
performing
over-achieving
staying “strong”
ignoring their needs
taking care of everyone else
It works… until it doesn’t.
Eventually, the nervous system asks for a new way.
Not through words — through symptoms.
Dysregulation can be your body’s way of saying:
“I can’t do life like this anymore.”
And that isn’t failure.
It’s information.
How therapy can help
Nervous system regulation isn’t just a collection of coping skills.
It’s a long-term shift in how you relate to your body, your emotions, and your life.
Therapy can help you:
understand your stress responses
reduce anxiety and overwhelm
build regulation tools that actually fit you
work with perfectionism and people-pleasing
process deeper roots of chronic stress
feel more steady, connected, and safe in your body
At Carbon Psychology, we support clients in Calgary with grounded, nervous-system-informed therapy.
Book a consult or get matched with a therapist.
Quick FAQs
Is dysregulation the same as anxiety?
Not always. Anxiety can be one expression of dysregulation, but dysregulation can also look like numbness, shutdown, or burnout.
How long does it take to regulate the nervous system?
It depends on what your system has been through. Many people feel small shifts quickly, but deeper nervous system healing is often built through consistency over time.
Can nervous system dysregulation affect relationships?
Yes. Dysregulation can make communication harder, increase reactivity, and intensify conflict cycles. Regulation supports connection.